Monthly Archives: October 2013

Cowboy vs Vacuum

Sometime back when the in-laws were out of town, we decided to go clean their house. Having two women in my house that are extremely efficient and major planners and myself being very task oriented, we drew up a flochart and headed to their house. This house is only a few years old and has a lot of modern things in it, like wood floors with area rugs, open design from room to room, and a central vac. The first thing we had to do was receive our marching orders. We found what looked like 100 feet of hose with a brush head attached to it, and my wife looked at it, then looked at me and said “you think you can run that?”. I straightened up with my shoulders back and said, “I can operate any machine made!” . Now, the first thing I had to do was go around until I found a little hole in the wall with a flap over it to plug the hose in to. Right away I’m seeing a design flaw, because when I plugged it in the thing started up. I mean suction, brush turning, the whole nine yards! There was no switch on the handle to be able to shut it off… (this will come into play later). Now I’m not saying that it never had a switch on it, because it did have some non original duct tape around the handle which I’m sure was the handy work of my father-in-law. But we won’t go there. Ok, so I’m going around from room to room dragging a hundred feet of hose with duct tape on it and holding the brushes up off the wood floor, just looking for things to vacuum. Under the dining room table was a big area rug, so I proceeded to run the brush head over it. Now up to this point everything was going fine; the rug was looking good and you could see those fresh brush marks that make it look freshly cleaned, and it looked really good. When I finished with that I picked it up, still running, because I wasn’t near the hose connection to shut it off. As I was walking by the dining room chairs, there was a new white blouse hanging on the back of one of the chairs. It was hung by one of those flimsy plastic hangers that come with new clothes. I was holding the vaccum head side ways so it would be easier to carry, when all of the sudden I heard a loud snap. A piece of that plastic hanger caught my eye as it shot up in the air, and then I heard the brushes slowing and the vaccum starting to pull down, (kind of like when you get too much grain in the feed grinder and you have to wait a minute for it to catch up) only the vacuum wasn’t catching up. I looked around just in time to see the collar of that white blouse slowly disappearing into the brush head. In the heat of the moment I made a split-second decision to grab the blouse instead of running to unplug the vacuum. I threw it down on the floor, ¬†got my boot on it’s neck, and grabbed hold of the shirt which the brushes were still knawing on. As I tugged and pulled I made some headway, and the vacuum kept making loud hissing noises. Just as I finished pulling the last bit of the black streaked blouse from the brushes, my wife walked around the corner with her mouth hanging open. I held up the blouse to asess the damage, and like any good husband would do I said, “I have no idea how this happened…”.

I decided to add it to my blog sort of as a public service, bcause I think those things need warning lables all over them. Here are some I came up with.

Caution: Do not use around pets or small children!

Warning: Vacuum can suck the clothes right out of your closet!

Hide your women; hide your kids!

Warning: Must be trained in rescue missions before using this machine!

Feel free to comment with another phrase you think would go well here.